German Blood in NYC.

I wish I could cry about normal things. Being poor, cold, without food or utilities, or at least facing all of these as we are now. For the most part though I like that I'm too stubborn to feel hopeless. There is a quiet optimist in every stubborn soul, I believe. That's what gets us through it. I come from a long line of these people - it's ingrained in me.

"It's been worse." "It's always worked out." "Nothing will happen, I'll find a way." It's on a constant loop in my brain. I don't say it as a way to hide the fear from myself. There just is no fear. As there is always a downside to everything in me, this logic of "nothing will happen" also has gotten me into trouble. I push everything as far as it will go. How much can I get away with? How long until it blows up in my face? Will it ever? Maybe I'm just young and too confident. But time after time, throughout my whole life, I've been able to say "it'll be fine, things will work out, crying over this will accomplish nothing."

I won't even lie to myself in the most private area of expression I have. I will say that yes, of course all I want it, please Universe, let this all be resolved before my pets die or we're too cold or we need candles to see or we can hear our stomachs growl from across the room and know there is nothing to be done about it. I just haven't discovered what yet. Please Universe, please help me find the way. Please.

My divine little piece of heaven is feeling the insatiable need in my chest to be in New York City, the only place in the world I feel truly okay. I am complete when I'm there. There is no yesterday or tomorrow while I'm in heaven. If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere. As they say. Thinking about NYC makes me mind fuzzy and my heart feel full. Spring break. I'm as determined to make this happen for myself as I am to feed my cats and dogs right now.

Too stubborn to give up.

Survivor Never Goes Out of Style.

Almost everyone around me is happy, or getting there. And it makes me smile, fills me with a little slice of peace, knowing that. I smile for them because I get to know that someone's life is on track. I'm surprising them with these smiles. I like letting them feel relieved.

But being me, I can't help but wonder about me. When is it going to be my turn? It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, seeing everyone else having their go. I think this is mostly because I know my time is coming. Really this time, I can feel myself standing on this grand edge of it. Adventure. Freedom. Peace. Smiles. Adrenaline. Experience. Opportunity. Hard work, and the payoff. Happiness. I can't wait. Right now I'm not content to wait, but to make it for myself. Definitely not passing on giving out more smiles to everyone else along the way though.

It's all bullshit. School is bullshit, my ex friends are bullshit, driving tests are bullshit, food is bullshit, dreams are bullshit, I am bullshit. Basically.

Everything has changed. Everyone has moved on. The last few years are now obsolete. It is time for a new era, and no one is stepping up to the plate. Fall Out Boy is now Lady Gaga, everything is now Twitter, fashion is now unwearable, we evolved too fast. There is nothing new, nothing exciting. I am not inspired, I feel like it's up to me to inspire. No one else will. Whatever whatever whatever.

I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm in pain. I'm hormonal.

I don't know what to do. My cat knows when I'm sick. He only really comes around in hard times. I can't keep going in this same way for very much longer.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

I don't know what happened. I don't know who I'm writing this to. I want you back. But I never truly felt your whole friendship to begin with. I'm sick of the up and down. This has been my main writing subject for weeks, months. Either be fucking in this with me or stay away completely. I always think it's forever. It never is. I'm sorry it must be awkward for you, but I had no control over your feelings. It is not my fault. More than anything I wish you would just slow the fuck down and stop pretending I'm in the wrong and talk to me about this. Stop fucking acting like nothing is wrong. I'll give you one more chance. I'll listen once. Once. After that I don't see myself having the time.

I don't want it to be this way. But until you can show me something I really did wrong or that hurt you, I won't apologize. My life is changing too rapidly to bring confused characters along for the ride.

"You can make the world beautiful just by refusing to lie about it. "

I am only inspired at 4 am. This is a fact. Today I will do my nails, make myself fall in love with my appearance, and put myself out there. Media.

I am toying with the idea of starting a new blog, one for a new chapter and journey. It just feels like it's time. I'm not 13 anymore. Believe it or not. A travel journal, a scrapbook of my thoughts, etc. I also want to do this:

WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Bleed to Heal.

"My whole life gets turned into business."

I'm very happy with my July horoscopes. More than anything I need to get off my ass, do my nails, take a goddamn shower, get dressed, and get on with my life. Get out. Circulate. Do. Smile. Drive. Work. Listen. Feel. Live. My biggest plans right now are to bring my room up to chic and go fuck off to Colorado and sleep, read, play on the beach, get pampered, and relax. I am ecstatic about it.

Maxi dresses, flowing skirts, belted everything, wedges, sandals, light and natural. It's going to be great because I'm not going to try for anything other than nothing.

Things I am grateful for having in my life.

-Not just a Macbook, but an incredible and generous mother who was willing to buy it for me. I love her and I can go to sleep every night knowing she loves me.

-A house. A bed. Food. Countless and meaningless material things. A family.

-Music. Without it I am lost, lonely, and without much of an identity.

-An eduction. Literacy. The real ability to think and absorb and appreciate knowledge.

And now: the Official List of Summer Things:

-Take a few hours and take inhuman delight in organizing my computer and music to my heart's desire.
-Buy all the summer concert tickets I want. Enjoy knowing it's so worth it.
-Spend the day at the museum. Absorb the Warhols.
-Get a great pedicure.
-Wear sunglasses. Everywhere. At all times.
-Go to a yoga class. Surrender and believe.
-Get a tan.
-Wear high heels, wedges, anything. All day.
-Get the perfect eyebrow shape.
-Dye my hair in some way.
-Start buying and creating an art collection for my room.
-Go to Church. Once.
-Buy flowers and chase the sunshine to give it life.

We are stardust.

I feel unwanted and unwilling to take the blame for things always falling apart. I am tired of being the backup plan, the one always waiting, the one who will understand and won't leave when the messages go ignored, or when something (or someone) better comes along. Are the good things and good changes in my life that unbearable for you? I can't care anymore. That's not friendship. None of it is.

I am done waiting at the bottom of your Bipolar Bullshit Roller Coaster, being swept up into the mess with no notice. Done. Done done done. I want so much I can't stand it. It feel it flowing rampant through my veins. Stop. Stop.

I never wished to be saved.

At this point the thought of retail therapy just sounds SO GOOD! I just want to uncontrollably buy shit and be absolved. Products do not send me on an emotional bender, like concerts do. Counting Crows AND Augustana! Dream come true. Most likely not though. I want to be positive about it. I respond to my feeling of losing friends by sending out angry messages. Not so positive. But it seems to be a popular opinion. Yeah, whatever. Cry more.

But back to retail therapy. So good. My mind is a loop of: Colorado, beaches, products, routines, massages, road trips, mountains, facials, fresh air, hair treatments, horseback riding, books, haunting music, sunshine. I want it all so much. I've missed it so much more than I realized. I am in love with the trivial choices and priority of luxury, the lighting in department stores, the smell of new things. I want to clean everything up and get shit in order. And strip it all away in the mountains.

A list:

MAC Select Moisturecover Concealer (use color wheel)
Mineralize Skinfinish Natural
Acne.org BP Treatment; Olay moisturizer
YSL Parisienne
D&G Light Blue
Books books books!

Basically so many things...

Again and Again.

I am at such a turning point in my life. I truly know that the only thing I can stand to have around me if positivity, positivity, positivity. I am so wildly confused and lost and while I am making my decisions, I need that support. But I can't seem to get that message out.

There is supposed to be an eclipse of that radiant, amazing full yellow moon tonight. I won't be able to see that man up there, but I know I will still be able to feel him around me. Invisible guidance. Probably what I need most right now. Looking for anything, anything. I always feel so many things at once. Sometimes I just want peace.

Friend is a four letter word.

End is the only part of the word that I heard.

Things I am not: Skinny. Blonde. Always smiling. "Chill." The American standard of beauty. Remarkably intelligent. Patient. Quiet. Calm. The leader of a parade where only drugs and fun are behind me. Sure about my place and purpose in this world. Well spoken. Flirtatious. Outgoing. Interesting. Organized.

Things I am: Loyal. Thoughtful. Caring of the world. Considerate. Passionate. Ambitious. Crazy. A feminist. Determined to improve the world. Unable to live without music. Empathetic. Quick. Self conscious. Wanting.

Not what you want at all.
Everything I'd rather be.

Or at least until I say it enough times it becomes true.

It's been so long. Months! I have written and refreshed and edited the same post many times, but I've missed using this medium too much to not just write the short version.

I went to New York. It was stressful and crazy and loud and completely magical. I am changed. Other than that the only thing that has continued to change is me, my thoughts, my wishes, my dreams. I am evaluating everything. It is the summer for slowing down and taking care of my heart, soul, and mind. Do what makes me happy, figure out what makes me happy. Nothing is safe. Especially me.

Swim.

I'm thinking about what's important. If what I focus on really matters. But it does, it does. I'm just content. I found success, I went, I sang, I saw, I recorded. I danced a bit. It was an experience. But as I screamed those words tonight, I realized how little I hear them and decide to live them. To take them not only as silence replacers, but inspiration and soundtrack. To find strength in them. I love it. I love love love it all so much.

It was incredible. And now I have to focus on getting things done and getting ready. I leave for New York next week.

Wrapping myself up in pretty things to give to myself; being my own Valentine.

I am deliriously busy. Full days every day. Socializing, eating, visiting, shopping, driving around, earning money, planning, laughing, getting into things, psychics, waking up and leaving the house before noon, normal sleep schedules. It's different and strange and wonderful. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I am going to focus on all the people and things I love in this world and give a friend a care package and maybe do some crafting and eat great chocolate. And look as amazing as possible.

According to my tarot cards, I will be: having the urge to go to Oregon, getting body art, meeting my soul mate of soul mates in six years, learn how to heal people, and be my chaos creating self. That sounds fascinating. Tentative travel list, because summer is said to be mine:

2/19:Jack's Mannequin
2/26-3/4:New York
4/13:The Cab/AP Tour
4/26:TYV
5/8: Paramore
5/19:Cobra/30h!3
(June: Colorado?)
(Mid-July, Workshops?)
7/5:Warped Tour, STL
8/2:Warped Tour, KC

Very unsure, most would just be for fun and not necessity. I love road trips and friends so much. I need to be free and such. Love love love. Busy busy busy.

Life:

Blue nails, mouse ears, red lips, cameras, needing to talktalktalk, feeling unprepared for fast approaching travels, mood rings, my inability to keep track of purchases I need to make, just so much stuff. I feel the need to plan out like, the rest of my life right this second.

"I think as soon as the sun rises, I'm going to go buy cheesecake."

HG Wells:

“…There was no darkness in the world, but only warm, mysterious shadows; and all the leaves and spikes were edged and lined with iridescent jewels of dew. The night was warmer than any night had ever been, the heavens by some miracle at once vaster and nearer, and spite of the great ivory-tinted moon that ruled the world, the sky was full of stars….”

Martha Manning

Depression is such a cruel punishment.
There are no fevers, no rashes,
no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern.
Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer.
And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience.
A room in hell with only your name on the door.

He called me Boo.

God, the people we were a year ago. The adventures in between.

I loathe the reality of the fact that one day I will be 50 years old and I will possibly feel different about the world than I do now. I want so badly to refuse to be complacent, lazy, and without direction. I want to launch myself from these things now but it's what I am anyway so why do I care?

You're lookin like a lunatic...and everybody knows.

I feel the need to be creative. Write, take pictures, do something. But it never turns out how I want it to. Never as good as the rest of them.

I am sick of being in school. I am sick of having a schedule, being forced to do the same all day, every day. Being herded like everyone else. I can't stand being treated the same when, really, I am no different. No different but less creative and unique. Walking through the door is synonymous with giving up. I can't win.

The anger runs electric through my body and my blood is so hot. Curdling like the scream that I won't let out. I want to run and thrash and kick and scream and bite and unleash the most unattractive scream you've ever heard. I want to show you just how opposite of your impression I really am. I want to take on tornadoes and running bulls. I want to leave my body and release the anger through my fists. I have never learned to fight well with my words. But I never learned to fight with my fists at all. Impulses do not make sense. I am not quiet, polite, smart, content, obedient. You just assumed me to be this way. So I don't let out my scream.

Things I Love Thursday.

I need drastic measures to cheer me up right now. So I decided to focus on the love for this post because...honestly it's just what I need to do. It's late and I'm wearing a purple hat, black winged liner and red lips. So, what I love lately:

♥Going places on your own accord with no one knowing where you are. Completely liberating.
♥French manicures. Surprisingly and wonderfully classy looking. I'm kind of afraid to type with my nail tips though, hah.
♥Online shopping! Coinciding with MAC Cosmetics, because someone needs to take my debit card away. I purchased lipstick in Ruby Woo and a kohl liner in...I don't remember, whatever the black one is! Oops. Not having to discuss my purchases with anyone else is reeeeally nice. I also love the anticipation of getting real packages in the mail. It's exciting!
♥"99 Problems." Giggle inducing and therapeutic at the same time. Also: shameless partying dance music in general.
♥Gin! I've taken a liking to it. Especially while drinking alone, but I meant to be happy in this post didn't I?
♥Regularly keeping up with astrology. It helps so much, honestly. It puts me at ease knowing sometimes, when things are bad, they're SUPPOSED to be bad.
♥Thinking up road trips. Just itching to go away for a while. Chase some good music and good hangouts.
♥Online auctions. They are deadly. My heart races and ooh it just feels too good for being so bad. But FUCK YES I am going to bid on a TEST PRESSING of FUCT. Incredible. I want it bad.
♥Planning my desk layout. Eventually it will look cute and put together and it will be organized. Eventually. I picked up the most adorable place mat from Target for Valentine's Day (ew) with little hearts all over it, and it got me back into desk planning. A fabulous desk is the breeding ground for world domination.
♥Criminal Minds. Obsessed.
♥Plans ideas plans ideas plans ideas all over my brain.
♥Desperately wanting to change something about my look...septum piercing? Hair dye? I just can't decide but it's exciting me.
♥Actually having money to spend! When I should be saving to get out of here like, yesterday. Oh well. Pretty things!

I think that's it. Not a bad haul for having one of the worst weeks in a while, to be honest. Hence all the drinking/shopping/internet therapy lately. Hoping to be on the up and up shortly!

Dear Universe. Thanks.

My life is being curled up on the couch in my pajamas, still awake from the previous day at 7AM, eating cheetos and writing writing writing. I need to get organized and chic.

The things I'm excited for now seem to be flying at me, very fast and very unstoppable. I feel like the universe launched me into my dreams, leaving me with no preparation or tools once I'm there. But I guess that's the way it works. Because if I really wanted all this, the job and travel and opportunities, I'd do the best I can once I got there with all I really have: myself.

You're freakin' me out

If only if only I could be normal. But I'm not and I don't want to be so here we go!

I am listening to Billie Jean, surrounded by puppies and Criminal Minds and my phone. Tomorrow is my last day at work and after I'll have dinner with my best and drop $1,000 on a computer. We're planning tattoos for the magical day we're both 18. Maybe I'll even get pierced tomorrow. So many possibilities for changes. I wish the blogging inspiration and enthusiasm lasted. I wish I actually had something to say that was completely my own.

Your head is humming and it won't go in case you don't know.

I am in love with "bad" pop music. My use of the internet has conditioned me to ever present instant gratification. I am a victim of my time's pop culture. I am a cliche. It fascinates me. Endlessly. But above all right now I am not in the mood to be in a mood. I haven't been for a while. My jaw hurts almost constantly and the only things important seem to be music, school, work, people, and conversations. One minute at a time. Changing the flow of your surroundings most definitely can change you too.

I don't like talking about myself so much. Yes, I do it all the time. But after a while of not knowing I'm doing it so much, I get so aware and sick of it. I have a job and my own money, I go to a school I'm actually quite lucky to be at, I have a family that deep down loves me, I have the simplest things like a warm home and water. And on top of that I have countless possessions that essentially mean nothing. And yet I don't use this platform that many have come from to do something good or worthwhile or born from passion. I go through life trying to distract myself and I write this very blog one hundred (and counting) times over and over and over.

It'll stop when I not only decide to stop, but actually do it.

If I can make it there...

I am going to New York.



No matter what, I am going to New York.




And I will arrive with 2404962046 pounds of luggage containing all my chicest outfits.

You were feeling and you were dealing and you were reeling and you were healing.

2009 held the most posts on this blog in all the three years I've been writing here. I can't help but to think it was due to boredom. I keep saying "Ugh, 2009 was the most boring year ever." But really, when I look back, that isn't true. I spent a lot of 2009 feeling sad, irritated, or angry. When it wasn't a chore to get through the day, my year was filled with gleaming moments, bright lights illuminating the even brighter rainbow of emotions inside me. Road trips to see an otherwise impossible collection of bands; a throwback to when it all started. Getting what I craved, driving around with friends blasting Blink on perfect fall nights. Things I dreamed of right before my eyes, happening. But I don't wish to look back any longer, I just want to carry what I learned with me into 2010.

I learned: People (boys) who treat you like shit are not worth having feelings for in any way, that there is a stopping point when vodka is involved, when your chest is tight it means no more smoking for the day, a sunburn is good for you every once in a while, self imposed internet breaks are good but rarely work, people who do not know you will never care about you (especially if they only care about themselves), do not let your daydreams hinder you from living your life, your bed and ipod are never too far away, astrology is fantastic for placing reason to why you're feeling a certain way when you don't know why, you can never be too inspired, regrets are a waste of time; just do better from here on out, lists are only useful when you act on them and that I make too many, ideas stay ideas unless you make them your reality, "I'll do it tomorrow" is dangerous, fashion is fun when you create your own style apart from trends, your first job is important; retail is very humbling, Lady Gaga is perfect party time music, at times all you can do is cry and that's okay because it rids you of whatever or whoever it is, your time spent on the internet is largely a crutch and a distraction, sleep schedules are important, a lot of things are better in our heads, the best thing about an outfit is if you feel good in it; being uncomfortable isn't cute, every day you finish is another day you've won.

"I hate to break this to you, but being a coward is not a legitimate career."

I want some red wine. I have made a mini fort in my bed, hiding under covers from the cold and various other things. Experimenting and getting dirty. With the pleasures come the questions.

It is the first day of winter. I want to sleep and clean and rearrange and create. I want to wear leather jackets and hats and red lipstick and black nail polish and boots. I want to take stunning photos and write simple words. Inspire and be inspired. I want to start fresh and dance and smile and use resolutions to change life. Surround myself with laughter and light. Champagne air kisses and candle lit eye winks. Trusted and silly conversation. Make life illuminated.

I'd never say no to you.

Tonight all I've done is exactly what I said I wouldn't do this week.


Cool.

All the nightmares came today.

I'm tired of the sadness. Tired of November. This Scorpio moon cycle has been the worst in all my years. I'm ready for it to be over. With the Pheonixing moon I've accomplished nothing. I have a feeling it's time for a "suck it up and cry along the way at random intervals but know I'm doing my noble thing because I'm living up to expectations" phase that I generally do when shit gets bad like this. I'm determined not to fall into that big, big hole again. I owe it to myself. Like I said...this November has been really bad. The depression is the worst I've had in a while. I just want to move on.

So I'll read this book for my soul, go to school, do work, make calls, gather lists of wants and needs, make Christmas plans! Because really, I have nothing left to do but try to crawl back over the surface of that big hole. I don't want to fall down any deeper. I miss my friends. I miss normal sleep. I want to feel clean.

I want to decorate my room and make it fabulous, totally "mine" and the way I've always wanted it. My arms itch to type "even though in a week I'll be unhappy with it" but I'm trying to be positive. But I guess I typed it anyway. But...I want to do that. I want to decorate my adorable hot pink Christmas tree, play Christmas music, put up white lights all over, burn candles, eat pumpkin pie, have my friends over for a fun and silly Christmas party. I want to laugh.

You can always change your mind.

In the past few days I've come to learn that I am infinitely more happy when not around other people. It's not cynicism, I wish it were the opposite. Lately I've just been so angry.

I'm loving Lady GaGa's new song and music video...it's so weird I can't look away or stop listening. I feel with her art I'm missing out on the joke, and that's intriguing. On the guilty pleasure side, I listened to A Rocket to the Moon's song Mr. Right and I'm loving it. So catchy. I think I listened to a leak of their new album, caught this song, forgot, and now I'm obsessed. I need to go on a downloading spree again, as all the old songs are, well, old sounding. Even though I think Nick Santino is kind of creepy, I just love the song. I also tried out Firefox for the first time today and I'm in loveeee. Never really considered using it, but now I'm converted. I got so sick of IE, it just sucks. Everything is so crisp and great looking in Firefox, not to mention super fast. Last person on Earth to get on the bandwagon but hey, I'm here now. More than anything right now I'm avoiding homework and projects. As always.

Ideas and plans got me dizzy with smiles. Room layouts, videos, makeup, smiles, new lives.

NFT '05

Tomorrow (today) is the day that started it all. Really.

I don't know how I feel. Above all I just don't want to forget.

It is also the one year anniversary of my first day at KCA. As well as this four year anniversary. FOUR YEARS.



Which came first: the music or the misery?

Small Things.

I wish for my friends to find happiness. I think seeing and knowing they are happy would put my search on the back burner, the peace brought to me would eliminate all want.

I wish for one to be okay with being alone. For another to receive the independence she so desperately craves. One I've known for far too long to no longer accept complacency; to fight. A friend to no longer be guilted for a busy schedule.

I wish for full lives. And yet I know I cannot provide them. But I can help. Be a sounding board, a coach, an example, a cheerleader. A smile and hug at the end of the day. A cheap bottle of tequila and nicotine in the park. A release. All I wish is to give myself to a greater good. If I could touch a life in even the smallest of ways, I would know peace.

Gorgeous carnations, candles, soft and attention seeking kitties, mood rings, redecorating, dresses, plans for organization, comfy couches, Dr. Pepper, perfume, lovely and caring comments from pretty much strangers, firm to-do lists, planning outfits, new quotes and memories, mind blowing shows, tearing up at the pure and raw emotion and energy in a room and one of your favorite bands, the surprise of that feeling, knowing you're not ready for the next week to come but getting a butterfly feeling in your stomach about it; choosing to not call it anxiety but excitement instead.

Life right now.

The distance between you and I killed us. Or just me.

When I know I need to write I get this warm feeling in my chest and my body gets tingly...and once I open up this page the feeling is gone and I end up spewing shit that's nowhere close to what I mean to say. I get jumbled and my thoughts go all over the place. I don't understand it.

I have a small batch of gorgeous mutli colored carnations next to me that I bought for myself. A birthday present to myself, as I see those as an impending necessity now that I'm getting older. Satisfaction stops being easy to get from other people now that I'm inching towards "adulthood." How cliche of me.

Busy day tomorrow. Today. 5:24 AM and still no sleep.

I can't change the past, but I can change how I behave in the future.

It was not my best birthday because of my own shitty decisions. It got me started on decisions. I've only started to feel better now that the day is over...by coincidence though. I feel like a horrible person who deserves the day I got but is still crying about it anyway.

So, a list of decisions for my Sixteenth Year:
I decide to not love you anymore. I decide to accept what I can't change, and to improve what I can. I decide to take stock once in a while of everyone around me. Someone making me feel like shit, distance. Someone I want to know more, reach out. I decide to not fill my head with things that may not even be true or things that have nothing to do with my life. I decide to try to use my time wisely. I decide to cry when it's appropriate once in a while, just to get it all out and move on. I also decide to take a deep breath and recognize there's nothing I can do/it wasn't my fault/I should simply improve myself from now on. I decide to take baby steps to putting in all my effort every day. I decide to love and feel the music and to not obsess over seeing or politics or the autograph. I decide to be polite and grateful. I decide to to not talk for the sake of talking. I decide to jump in without too much hesitation or thought. I decide to be interesting and leave them wanting more. I decide to attempt at being much more organized and having a clean and functional living space that makes me happy and never says "boring." I decide to find happier and more relevant things for songs and names and things and places to remind me of. I decide to try to recognize when daydreaming has gone too far. I decide to go with the flow and act like the young adult I am, even when my impulse to act younger and dumber or I don't get my way. I decide to be more considerate of other people and their feelings/thoughts/plans. I decide to not be annoying and think about what I say before I speak. I decide to work on making myself a better me so I can make my world better.

Hello Sixteen.

It is exactly my last hour of being fifteen. It's been a crazy fucking year. I feel the need to look back before I move forward.

In my Fifteenth Year, I:
Changed schools and found a whole new world, met one of my best friends, shed some naivety, got wasted for the first time, smoked weed, started smoking cigarettes, fucked up a little more but grew up and got on track for the first time in years, started driving, shoplifted, got taken advantage of and manipulated but came out on fuckin' top (duh), experienced the rush of power that comes in knowing a guy likes you and it's all in your hands, expressed my feelings so much more, had so many night time adventures, saw some great shows, improved how I dress and tried to cater to my body a bit more, tried going veg, got into the 60's, let go a bit of obsessions, while some morphed and grew stronger, read some books, had my biggest friend fight ever, learned everyone deserves a second chance, started loving self help shit, took drastic turns from health to self destruct modes and back again constantly, FINALLY had those nights of driving around aimlessly with your girls blasting Blink in a shitty car with the windows down, met tons of new people, made friends out of enemies, got better at recognizing my feelings when they come up rather than after I acted upon them, understood that you can't change a relationship when you don't know how and to just enjoy what there is, started loving the music and not the presale packages, "It's about the music, not seeing," made endless 11:11 wishes, got more comfortable in my own skin when no one's around, became a better conversationalist, let my mind wander, found what it's like to be totally okay doing anything in front of a true best friend, dealt with heavy music news, road tripped, calmed down my bitchy status, spent the time on thinking now on doing, started looking at colleges, smiled more, learned by trial and error how to deal with the emotional wave, adopted a "try it before you condemn it" process, took so many shitty and wonderful risks...and it got me here.

Here. Now. On my feet. Still standing. Bloody and exhausted, but I'm facing Sixteen with light in my eyes and gold in my heart. It's done, over, all of it. It's gone. Only tomorrow remains, so why not think about that instead? I'm happier than I've been since I can't remember; the "music or the misery" days and the "am I crazy" days have combined to make up my life, but now it's just me living. And it's pretty fucking good. It's okay for me to just be a teenager now...I'm going to Do Me this year.

Things That Make Me Happy:

"Your Body is a Wonderland," obnoxious keychains, Marc Jacobs, huge rings, Dr. Pepper, my fluffy wonderful bed (!!!), having my littlest and coincidentally biggest puppy in bed with me, Moleskine journals, taking first steps to figuring out some weight loss stuff, wanting to look and feel good, freezing nights in the park with friends, Tequila! (ohhhh god), shady backyard deals, silky smooth hair thanks to the Aussie deep conditioning treatment, any coffee like pumpkin spice beverage, being able to say "I can spot you, no worries" and meaning it, witnessing true fashion here in my own little town, buying a dress and knowing exactly what you're going to wear with it, sneaking things into your purse when you have the cash...because you can, "I don't give a shit anymore, I'm me and I'm fucked up and I love it" songs, fall smells, making my bed, random creepy movies at friends' houses, living life but not noticing it because you're too busy living it!

One thing I hate: How my birthday week snuck up on me and I am SO NOT READY. I want to cry when I think about it because I want it to be perfect.

Catching sparkles from the firey comet zooming by that is my life.

My sixteenth birthday is in eight days. It's quite monumental. Lounging in my fluffy big girl bed, I feel more put together and inspired than anyone.

But it's all wrong. It's 3:33 AM and I can't or won't sleep. It's a Sunday night and I have mountains of Spanish and Algebra work to do, an eight-piece Composition project due in two days that I forgot about, and a birthday party to plan that I feel is going to be more boring than fantastic on Friday. I just know that the party will be forced and lame and blah. And Halloween plans to bring about. I'm hating this week. I want it all to go away and my happiness from two hours ago to come back...but before that was the same frustration. What's wrong with me? My moods are all fucked up again. (At the moment) I just don't feel celebratory or happy. Maybe this Friday is too early considering no one wanted to talk to me about my only Sweet Sixteen party ever until I started yelling. Sucks.

But yes, hopefully this will pass. I started a magenta Moleskine in which I plan to write down weight loss things, design plans, sparkly things, and "The Starting Over." Went shopping yesterday for said fabulous bedding, got some fabulous things. Big baubles and necessary cosmetics, an adorable dress and came home with some serious Marc Jacobs and Philip Lim lust.

Because I'm getting happy again (What the FUCK, moods?!) I'm going to make a birthday wish list!

Birthday Wishlist:
-Gray Marc Jacobs wallet
-Juicy Couture keychain
-Or: gift cards, Nordstrom, Standard
-MAC gift card
-Macbook Pro 13 inch
-Flora by Gucci
-Canon Rebel T1i

That's all I can think of, which is quite a lot already, so I'll shut up. No sleep on a Sunday night, just waiting for the sun to come up and going in to face the pestering, the disappointment, the lack of support from friends, and sleep deprivation on top of it all.

Stay fabulous.

It's all moving too fast.

It Can't All Be Easy.

8:00 AM, on the dot, not so bright and early. Learning I cannot write without my favorite bigass mug of coffee and the cigs next to me. Starting off the day that never really ended with a crazy straw. Puppies staring at me. We're set. Here we go.

Dear Life,
You are crazy. But I am crazy. So it's okay. I have decided to only listen to songs that make me happy. It's gray today. So many things happening, with me in the middle of this bizarre as fuck orbit. It's just going going going, with lags every once in a while and it's left me tired. More and more I just don't know how I feel about things. It's all changing for me. Saying I hate life and fuck everyone or whatever seems silly now. Instead of drowning it's all goal oriented now. Sometimes it's "just get out of bed" and other times it's more "oh fuck where I am gonna go to college" but that's life. I feel dumb writing about these things but it's the real shit I'm feeling right now. Any adult would be like "well yeah you're a TEENAGER" but that pisses me off. Blahblahblah, I'm self absorbed. Ever made a snap decision and got politely but strictly told off? Well yeah.


Back now after a lunch and shopping trip with my dad. I love antique shopping, and I love buffets, and I love my Grandmother. Got some adorable bow ties that will now my hair clips for super cheap, AND a completely fabulous tiny red patent leather suitcase from the sixties. YES PLEASE! So cute. So I'm feeling pretty good, just so tired you feel sad from being slowed down. I need sleep.



Love and Loathing always,
Me.

It's been a while since I've been around here. I get busy, forget, etc. I get very busy indeed. A bit of what I've been up to in the past five weeks:

School started. Hello, Sophomore Year. New people, new memories, more fun than ever. I'm doing so much every day...a month into it and I've only missed a few days due to real sickeness! I also have one of the highest grades in my Algebra class. I know, right? I'm always running around, trying to show my worth. It took so much to get me here; in the back of my mind there's a constant monologue of "don't fuck up, don't fuck up, do not fuck this up." I'm holding to it all pretty well. But of course there are up days and down days, up hours and down hours too to be honest. I still maintain I'm doing well, though there's things I wish to change as always.

There's dramas but who really expected them to go away? On the block, with school, but whatever. Many new friends and so many good times. Trying my hardest to let go and have fun. I'm succeeding. Just last night included the perfect teenage night: a ladies' night with my friends, driving around blasting bad music, scoring some cigs through a homeless dude, chatting up cute tattoo artists, trips to WalMart for toilet paper, shaving cream, spray paint, silly string, masks, and picking up our new gang bandanas (my idea). Revenge plans! Fucking up a neighborhood, shaving cream penises, being chased down by an old lady, drunk people playing charades, filling up water and shaving cream balloons, silly phone calls, McDonald's, getting random calls from school dudes, realizing I lost this one and won't fuck it up for Irene, going to a lame house party, beer, tripping dudes from Blue Springs, first encounter with weed, couldn't work the bong well, shitty weed in general, split seconds of giggles, jumping on the trampoline! Getting kicked out by some random mother, driving and driving and driving. So much fun, and all I want to do is smoke and drink with these girls and chase down good times.

Times are good. I'm ready for the nostalgia of fall and all the moods. I'm trying to fight off the feeling of be lost, not really having a direction right now because I'm not sure that I do. I want to go for it all and not regret anything, but I'm feeling a need to take stock of my values, morals, and goals.

I'm so tired of it all but hopeful.

The Not Knowing.

My Rosie puppy is the one friend I can lay in bed with and listen to The Beatles. She won't even care how loud I play it or how introspectively emo I get. Doggies are the best things in the whole world.

I'm really coming to grips lately about reality and how some things, while certainly not ideal, just need to be done. I'm afraid I may suffer from it, but it needs to be done. I really don't want to go to public school. But that's what I'm looking at and I need to be okay with it whether or not I really am. I can't take the mother guilt trips about money anymore, so maybe if I just suck it up I won't have to hear it. And if I fuck up there's no money involved. Either way I am so screwed. I hate feeling like everything is my fault. Because maybe it always is.

I am always tired but can nver sleep normally. It makes me feel so bad...once again. I kind of just feel guilty about my whole existence. I shouldn't want an expensive school, I should think before I talk (or don't talk), I shouldn't have contributed to the money issues, I shouldn't be here at all because all I do is create misery for other people. I want to escape this notion I have so badly I can't take it. I don't want to be who I am, but is who I am always going to be what I am? Is right now IT for me? Is this really ME, or is it emotions caused by my culture, upbringing, and emotional osmosis from my mother that has fucked me up? Am I incapable? Lazy? Spoiled and ruined like fucking fruit? Tainted? And do I have any chance of making better for myself than what has been in front of me all my life, or am I wired to make her mistakes? Destined to have doctors shove drugs down my throat and hear people talk like they know me better than I do? Meant always to be trying to not be me, while everyone else simply tries to make their way to a happy retirement home by a lake? I constantly say I want to start over tomorrow but I never do. Who am I? I don't know. I don't know. And I hate not knowing.

I want to rip out my heart and rewire it completely. I want to feel differently as someone who says they care and really do. Who make an effort and mean it for the right reasons. But I am me, and I have to learn to be a better me. What parts to I change? What parts are worth anything to me; to others? Do those parts exist at all? Once again, I do not know.

Thoughts on Being Stuck.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not really here. I am fully aware of my place in the air and the amount of air space I take up--but on the inside I feel as if I've just checked out. Mentally and emotionally. I am just so ready to start over but it's always "tomorrow" when today is perfectly fine. I'm sick of living on this side of the line, with everyone else. Quiet and inside the house all the time. I constantly want to CREATE but have no skills at channeling my feelings into tangible or enjoyable things. I'm stuck. So, so stuck. I'm going nowhere. Or at least fumbling around in circles of my own doing.

I see and witness so many beautiul things and I FEEL them--but I have no motivation. I am afraid. Of everything, it seems. The worst is that nothing has made me this way, it's the way I came, all packaged up. I'm done with being who I am. But am I being who I am? Or am I trapped in defenseless against herself, bored, unhappy, unhealthy Lauren? I don't think I've ever known who the real me is, because I have always been this way. Tired. I am tired. I want to write but have nothing to write about. If I do I can't get it out to save my life. I'm stuck.

On a Three Year Anniversary

I had a really, really good today.

Tomorrow will be a tough one. No Jack's Mannequin for me.

Over This.

On a gray afternoon in July, I am sitting here in my big chair. It is raining. Times like this always make me think. I think backwards and forwards, what has been and what failed to be at all. How I've grown and habits that hold me and might not ever let go. My life has come down to a list of maybes. Maybe if I wasn't genetically predisposed, maybe if I never felt the need to compare myself to other people, maybe if their marriage worked out, maybe if I wasn't fit to bouts of self loathing and pessimism. Maybe if I never became infatuated with the idea of "perfect" and maybe if I never felt the desire to chase it. Maybe. Maybe I would have been alright all along.

I've had a short life. Really, no one has any reason to listen to a kid like me. But what my life has had more than a lot of people my age is this: there have been more questions than answers. Looking all around as I was growing up, other kids knew what was and what wasn't. They knew the way the world worked and their place in it because their parents said so and that was that. For me it wasn't the same way.

-----------------------------------------
Improv-ness for a book I want to write. Confidence is lacking.

I just want to write, write, write. I just don't know what to write about. I think though that if someone I look down on in a way can write a book, even a woe-is-me book about her life, so can I. I CAN. I just don't know how to start.

I've been having all sorts of vivid, weird dreams lately. Little bits and pieces of my day's thoughts come to life at night. The stories are often comforting.

Hot Mess.

Today I have accomplished:

-Entertaining a three year old
-Fixing up and painting both my fingers and toes lovely, classy colors. Transitions from neon to feminine.
-Ate waaaaay too much food. Bad, bad, bad habits! I desperately need to form a sorta-kinda diet plan and get my ass in the grocery store. More green things, less red meat.
-Changed my sheets and made my bed a fabulous, softy soft sleeping heaven. I get the biggest kick out of making little changes to my shit. It's a good feeling.

And now I'm going to take the longest shower in the history of ever. I shall scrub, shave, lather, and cleanse myself into a scented, soft-skinned oblivion. YAY.

Cartoon Backdrop; Living in a Dream Sequence from Many Moons Ago.

Writing under blue & pink cotton candy skies. The world seems magical. I want to walk around in the dewiness of last night's slight rain and take in the spring of it all, in the middle of July. I want to wear a painfully chic outfit and prowl around because no one is awake yet and I, I have not yet gone to sleep. Wear my hair in a now loose updo and a flowy but slinky cocktail dress, trench coat and bag in tow. I love the quietness of the city now that feels as if it belongs only to me. It's so endless, all of it. A feeling of being stuck in time but in a near future perfect world I've always wanted. Alone and quiet and chic. With lots of coffee and fabulous clothes. And words, tons of those scattered all over my life. I want my Paris dreams right here on this morning. No more pretending. Oh, what a joy to live in this world I've created. Today is a day to actually live in that world, because the perfect setting it right behind me.

"'Staying' is my problem. I need to GO."

The song "Gravity" is such a good song for this moment. This past week, this phase, this time in my life. It is also kind of the inspiration for the new title for this thing.

I'm back to the wanting phase where all I want is tea and friends and writing. Where I should be in the summer. And now it is perfectly timed. Because I am done, so done with all of it. The stress and fear and lacking of what seems so basic in everyone else's lives. Most of all I am sick of the internet. All it represents. Done. I just want what's best for me; my body, mind, soul. And nothing about my life right now is contributing to that best. I do not think "best" is unattainable. It just requires so much hard work that I need to train myself into doing. Training for training? Yes. summer is the itme for relaxing and happiness and I haven't felt any of that and summer is half over. the anxiety attacks and crying myself to sleep can't happen anymore. I'm kicking into lists right now so here's a list of needs and wants before the summer ends:

-Finish my room! I'll be soo happy, relaxed, and generally pleased with myself once it's done! I have no better canvas than this to let my decorating shine through. Everything for me is never finished, so I'm half hearted in my vigor, but I hope it'll be great.
-Get tan. It may be superficial but I haven't had a real tan in like four years. AWFUL. Soo I'll give it a go again soon.
-Consider meds again. Anxiety attacks, mind races. Cannot. Stop. Eating. Body issues. General shittiness. It's all creeping back into my life and this time I'm determined to beat it down because I will NOT let my summer be ruined by this. I don't know if I shold take them on my journey to finding myself at all, because once they start working I'll think I won't need to look for myself anymore. But I will need to. Things right now are so bad and heavy though I feel like they're needed immediately before anything can blow up.
-Get to losing some (a lot) of weight. It's so, so bad.

For now this is it. Goodnight.

"I think you're a lous!" WJH 003 and General Merchandise

Doing a new thing: writing and watching a movie. Never done it before. I'm not too great at multi-tasking with entertainment: I'm either reading OR listening to music, etc. I must direct my attention or I feel overwhelmed. Even now I'm getting frazzled-ah! But I'm tired of having the ipod in my ears and The Birds is one of my favorite movies for sure. Tippi Hendren is just fabulous in this film, what a style. Sixties put-together-lady-about-town is one of my fashion weaknesses! Teal eyeshadow and a coral lip? Fitted pencil skirts? Pumps? Oh goodness. Anyway...

Today I've been revisiting the idea of starting my own website/blog thing. Been bitten by that bug again. Bounced it off my LJ friends and the one-ONE!- comment I got was positive. Especially about having multiple contributors, but since I posted that yesterday I'm thinking I want to do this on my own, but definitely have guest editors and writers now and then. Not to be selfish, but I think for creative control-and to see how far I can carry myself in the eye of writing, business, everything-I need to do this on my own.

I'm a bit afraid I'll end up copying my favorite bloggers subconsiously and not let MY creativity shine through. There's just so much I want to do, in writing and life. I think I need to channel in to one thing to write about for this project, and pursue other things in free writing or even other projects! I must just focus on one thing, funny how it's needed for other things in my life, but in writing it's so difficult! I want to inspire and delight and make people laugh, show them how to do things they want to do, make them feel anything's possible, give them eye candy for life, and show them how to get pretty and stay healthy. All of it in one project. Doable? I hope so!

My other issue is deciding if I want to do this on the internet or to make it a real life zine or magazine. The interwebz in a wonderful tool but will this feel more original, more substantial, if I can hold it in my hands? Of course if I make it into a tangible product, I'll need a website just to promote it! So once again, the internet is unavoidable. Damn you internet gods! Ha. Or MAYBE, once the site is successful, I can publish a book something to go with it! Or a sampler to get the word out? Ooh, ideas, ideas! I'm so on a roll with the ideas and thoughts-they're overflowing!- but putting them into action is going to be the hardest thing. Formulating them into solid things.

LIGHTNING! In the sky not my head. Okay, maybe there too ;)
AND THUNDER TO FOLLOW! Hahaha. Okay, now to watch The Birds. Night!