My Rosie puppy is the one friend I can lay in bed with and listen to The Beatles. She won't even care how loud I play it or how introspectively emo I get. Doggies are the best things in the whole world.
I'm really coming to grips lately about reality and how some things, while certainly not ideal, just need to be done. I'm afraid I may suffer from it, but it needs to be done. I really don't want to go to public school. But that's what I'm looking at and I need to be okay with it whether or not I really am. I can't take the mother guilt trips about money anymore, so maybe if I just suck it up I won't have to hear it. And if I fuck up there's no money involved. Either way I am so screwed. I hate feeling like everything is my fault. Because maybe it always is.
I am always tired but can nver sleep normally. It makes me feel so bad...once again. I kind of just feel guilty about my whole existence. I shouldn't want an expensive school, I should think before I talk (or don't talk), I shouldn't have contributed to the money issues, I shouldn't be here at all because all I do is create misery for other people. I want to escape this notion I have so badly I can't take it. I don't want to be who I am, but is who I am always going to be what I am? Is right now IT for me? Is this really ME, or is it emotions caused by my culture, upbringing, and emotional osmosis from my mother that has fucked me up? Am I incapable? Lazy? Spoiled and ruined like fucking fruit? Tainted? And do I have any chance of making better for myself than what has been in front of me all my life, or am I wired to make her mistakes? Destined to have doctors shove drugs down my throat and hear people talk like they know me better than I do? Meant always to be trying to not be me, while everyone else simply tries to make their way to a happy retirement home by a lake? I constantly say I want to start over tomorrow but I never do. Who am I? I don't know. I don't know. And I hate not knowing.
I want to rip out my heart and rewire it completely. I want to feel differently as someone who says they care and really do. Who make an effort and mean it for the right reasons. But I am me, and I have to learn to be a better me. What parts to I change? What parts are worth anything to me; to others? Do those parts exist at all? Once again, I do not know.
