The song "Gravity" is such a good song for this moment. This past week, this phase, this time in my life. It is also kind of the inspiration for the new title for this thing.
I'm back to the wanting phase where all I want is tea and friends and writing. Where I should be in the summer. And now it is perfectly timed. Because I am done, so done with all of it. The stress and fear and lacking of what seems so basic in everyone else's lives. Most of all I am sick of the internet. All it represents. Done. I just want what's best for me; my body, mind, soul. And nothing about my life right now is contributing to that best. I do not think "best" is unattainable. It just requires so much hard work that I need to train myself into doing. Training for training? Yes. summer is the itme for relaxing and happiness and I haven't felt any of that and summer is half over. the anxiety attacks and crying myself to sleep can't happen anymore. I'm kicking into lists right now so here's a list of needs and wants before the summer ends:
-Finish my room! I'll be soo happy, relaxed, and generally pleased with myself once it's done! I have no better canvas than this to let my decorating shine through. Everything for me is never finished, so I'm half hearted in my vigor, but I hope it'll be great.
-Get tan. It may be superficial but I haven't had a real tan in like four years. AWFUL. Soo I'll give it a go again soon.
-Consider meds again. Anxiety attacks, mind races. Cannot. Stop. Eating. Body issues. General shittiness. It's all creeping back into my life and this time I'm determined to beat it down because I will NOT let my summer be ruined by this. I don't know if I shold take them on my journey to finding myself at all, because once they start working I'll think I won't need to look for myself anymore. But I will need to. Things right now are so bad and heavy though I feel like they're needed immediately before anything can blow up.
-Get to losing some (a lot) of weight. It's so, so bad.
For now this is it. Goodnight.
