I get tired of talking about the same things over and over. How I'm in a shitty mood, how things didn't go my way, how excited I am, etc, etc, on forever. It took someone bringing it to my attention for me to realize how bad it was. Even then I ignorantly continued to be so selfish.
I do it more on the internet than anywhere else. I have multiple blogs. One livejournal for the obvious reasons, where I intend to share my feelings but reduce back to the banal, superficial things once I gain enough LJ "friends." I don't like getting down and personal with people I don't know. Holy shit, what if they JUDGE ME?! Or QUESTION ME?! Terrifying. Really. I don't know why I do it. But it intrigues me. I have this blogger so I can step away and write about things without having to be so literal, like I would have to be with people that don't really know me, such as LJ friends. Interesting. I'm cryptic and vague because that's how I like to write for some odd reason. I know that I'll remember my intentions and feelings later on. But I also know when I do it here that it won't be questioned. No one will ask me to explain it, get down into my feelings, think about why things are.
No one really knows me and the actual depth of my thoughts, feelings, life, unless you are one of my friends. Even then, I keep my secrets. I love secrets. I always keep small things about me tucked away where only I have the key to unlock them. Without them I feel too exposed, I might end up feeling like I have nothing to hold on to, nothing left.
I have so many little pieces of the internet that its overwhelming. A little. The bottom line I guess is, I make places to share, but then I don't. I only talk about boring little life shit. And even the places I make to share how I REALLY feel (they're different, mind you) I don't. I'm just cryptic as fuck. Its weird. Aside from the self-centered and vague, I have nothing else to write. That probably makes me even more shitty, because what else in the world moves me enough to actually talk about and discuss with others?
Very few things. I realize I am shitty and self-involved. I want to fix that. I want to be better. And the way I express myself and share with others is probably a good place to start. Its intimidating, starting to be vulnerable and open with strangers. To rip it all open and lay it out there. But I'm going to do it. Fuck "trying" to do it, I'm going to just go for it and actually DO it. I am going to be honest and real and use the first words that come to mind. Not only about myself but about the world itself and the things in it. Balance the heavy with the trivial. Make good use of the time I spend sitting on my ass on the internet.
This has been on one of the many back burners of my mind for a long time. I'm glad it actually came up, even at three in the morning.
