It's 6 AM. Woke up and can't go back to sleep. When it gets to be too many days in a row taking sleeping pills I switch to organic, bullshit sleep aids. But of course those don't KEEP you asleep. I've been having the weirdest thoughts.
So I've come to the conclusion that my face is fucked. My self consciousness and building self hatred is coming from maybe one too many days or not taking the happy pills. But its true. Its not even my face in general, its the acne. It sounds so superficical, god I know. If I wasn't getting scars I wouldn't be so worried. But...its hard. Being a girl today and knowing you have something not accepted in the standard of "beauty." But why do I feel that I have to fit into that standard? Why does it matter so much? I'm not sure. I only know that in this moment I'm not happy with myself or my surroundings.
I listen to songs that depress me, even when they're good.
The sheets on my bed fucking stink and I wish I could sleep forever.
I have marks on my face that are not only ugly, but hurt.
Something smells like coffee but that's impossible.
I'm steadily gaining weight and I didn't even realized it until recently.
Ok so the idea is that I feel like shit right now.
If I could start over and do it all again I would. Because I was so stupid. I wasted so much time. Its laughable now but damn, it still sucked then AND now.
I'm determined to make myself better. If I'm going to be rotten on the inside I might as well look good on the outside. No. No rotten insides. Fuck. I'm just so...down. I'm down right now.
