I got drunk for the first time last night. It was interesting. Time stopped having meaning and my limbs went from feeling numb to tingly to not attached to my body in a matter of seconds. The room spun when I closed my eyes. My head rolled. I laughed and said/did things I probably shouldn't have. Vodka doesn't make me pretty but it makes me feel good and be honest. Still not touching the shit for a while. Things happened that I knew normally I wouldn't let happen but it felt good enough so I didn't care. Coco and I both had crying jags and heart to hearts. It was fun. Still not touching the shit for LOOONG while. Ha.
I don't know how I feel but I'm calmed by the fact that tons of people go through things like this in their "teenage years." The thing that gets me the most is that she admitted she wasn't as drunk as I was, but she initiated all of it. Everything. The beginning harmlessness and the more risky things. I don't know if I'm saying this to make myself feel better, but I know that I regret doing it. Simply because I'm sure things will be weird between us for a bit. And I don't want to act like none of it is a big deal (even though it kind of isn't) and then have her think I'm the one with the feelings...when I think she's the one with the feelings. And my mom. I'm sure she thinks I'm a horny drunk lesbian that smokes now. I would feel so much better if my mom didn't know. But I can't bring it up because I don't want to look like I'm obsessing. Overall, it wasn't anything earth shattering. Wasn't really turned on by it, I was just ready to go anyway. I know I'm set in my sexuality. I'm straight. I just don't want awkwardness.
The puking was not fun. Today I woke up still drunk. Kept going from dizzy to achy to pukey and back all day. Lots of water. For now I'm going to stay firmly grounded in reality with my senses all intact and working.
We'll see how Monday goes. For some reason despite all of it I'm filled with a sense of hope. That maybe if I get all these things out of my system I can start living the life I really want...or I think I want. I just hope I don't turn into a Rose. Even though that'd be more Coco at this point...but yes. It's almost over. Four weeks. And then I am free.
"Devo farmi le ossa."
I need to make my bones.
