I am either feeling completely dull and bored, or I'm bouncy and okay. Today was a bouncy day. I got things done. I smiled, I was friendly, I talked. I went running with Coco last night, it felt good. Life is too much for internet. It's been a ride. Don't think it's stopping any time soon. This week has been so emotional. Up and down and just draining. Other people's problems aren't mine. And yet every time, there I am. Just let me live.
My body is light today, where yesterday I was dragging the weight of everyone I've loved and hated at the same time. So many things have my head in a flurry. So, so many. I don't know who I miss or what I miss or if I'm missing anything at all. I get aches in my chest for people, and for things I can't name.
Tuesday was an "I don't care, I don't want to" fit but I'm better now. I feel bad but honestly, I was done. So done. And even after my fits, Alvena said she wants to see me in multiple English classes with seniors next year. It made me feel bad and good at the same time. It gave me hope that maybe, maybe, I can learn and enjoy it at the same time. That maybe if I stay at KCA and actually have challenging classes, it would look up. And earlier, while planning our park-relay-clusterfuck Community Circle, Bing told me I should be an event planner. Supposedly logistics are my thing and I'm good with bringing the not so obvious to the table and finding solutions to problems. It was flattering...hearing things like that just make me think and think on them because they just don't occur to me. It's strange hearing it from other people. I just realized that cluster-fuckness aside, I'm actually kind of looking forward to CC tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.
Eamon hitting Gabby really got to me. I've never seen a person so strong like Gabby near tears like that. I know she doesn't like me but I have this respect for her. I think too much. Little things make me upset...loyalty in my friends is the main thing I need. Without that you're really nothing to me. Most people don't see it the way I do. If you promised to do something with someone, something rather important, would you go and make plans to do that thing with other people RIGHT in front of them? Who does that? Why do I not matter inside the walls of that school? Why am I invisble? I don't tolerate being treated like shit. I am not capable of that, won't ever be. I just get tired of it, because I am NOT that person but for some reason, people keep treating me as if I am. I am done with that. I guess promises don't mean that much to some people.
But besides that, Anne wasn't there today. Ray let us sit in on the band rehearsal for the concert tonight. I will always be in love with live music. Only at my school will you walk down the hall hearing someone scream with the sickest music behind them as if you were at a punk show. It is the best, most secure and comforting feeling in the world. As if having your own soundtrack, but better because those are kids up there, just like you. I watched Caleb kill it with just his voice and an acoustic guitar. More and more lately I've been having these feelings and thoughts of "That's what I want to do. I need to have that in my life." and they aren't going away. I love it.
Things are happening. I can feel it. Like everything is going to start once summer gets here. It's optimism shining down on the new flowers and my face. It's walking down streets where everything is green. It's laughing with people you hate to love. I want a cigarette and the weight to just fall off. Underneath it all I just know things have to get better. And they will. It is gorgeous outside. Today is a good day.
