I don't want to be immensely unhappy. And I don't know if I am. I waver constantly. That's not how I want to live, always balancing between normalcy and depression. Just one missed dose away from an internal hell. I don't want people to notice my good days as "She took her meds" days. I want to be okay on my own, and yet I know I'm not. And that kills me. It makes me hate myself...to know that I alone am not okay enough to handle the world without altering my brain. All I want to say is, "Well because of that, fuck you. Watch me do this. Watch me prove you wrong." But I know, just know, that I'd fall apart. I don't want to go back to that place. Back to yelling and fights and hospitals. Because that ISN'T me. So I am here, hovering in between. I could go either way, really. And maybe that's what makes it interesting, what draws me to it all so much. I am both night and day, sun and moon. Both lightness and gardens and hippies and darkness and clubs and rockstars. It all comes from my not so graceful balancing act inside my head.
It all makes me wonder, if I ever did reach happiness, would I miss the dark? Would I crave the madness? Because right now my providers of madness have lost their spark. Even they have left me behind in their okayness with life. And my other providers...they've gone to the dark. I could go either way, really. Like I read today: "sure you'll always have a soft spot for them, but the flame dies."
And maybe that's okay. Maybe it's time for me to stop being so dependent and start doing things for myself. Yet I can't imagine my life without music being such a force in it. I don't want it to fall apart. I don't want it to be "just a phase." I just don't feel the passion anymore, but here I am, begging and fighting to travel and see them. But I have a feeling it's just to try to ignite that flame again. I want to be okay with it but now I just feel so alone. I don't know if I'm leaving and losing them or if they're leaving and losing me.
I just don't want to be unhappy.
