"I'm the invisible man, who can't stop staring at the mirror."
I'm tired of this routine, one I've trapped myself in. I feel as if my brain is rotting and there's no reversing it. Sitting like a zombie waiting for validation through a computer screen, or maybe just answers. In four years there's been neither. I need a break. I need good literature. I need rain and paper and a pen; coffee and cigarettes. I need to reconnect with who I am trying to be who I want to be eventually. It's so silly once you disconnect and just LISTEN. I need to get away and keep myself busy, throw myself into things that matter. But I still want to have fun, just a more real fun. The dramas in my head get boring after a while. Life is much more tumultuous and exciting if you make it that way. I wish the hard parts of life were wrapped up in a montage with the perfect song backing it. It'd be so much easier, but is there satisfaction in easy? I can tell you, no.
Maybe I just don't want to be spoken for anymore, maybe I want to make my own path and create something new. My head is full but dull at the same time. How is it that I can be happy for what's to come and so stagnant now? I need to swim for brighter days and have faith. Not to just sit back and wait, but have faith that I will change things for myself. I make these rants all the time and they always seem so relevant in my mind, but not in my life minute by minute. I am not usually this person, but something about the night makes me overflow with what I keep hidden from the sun. I am never this eloquent, just shy and awkward. But those who matter don't mind and all that jazz.
I need sleep but it isn't coming and I need to take things one day at a time and just FOCUS or I don't think I'll survive.
Swim.
