One year ago today something big happened for me and I didn't even realize until just now, and he had to remind me. All the waiting, speculation, clues and mysteries, and I've forgotten. Is it good or bad? I don't know. I feel bad...but now I remember that day perfectly. Going to Target and having to sit through a Chipotle meal before I could listen to it. I remember the way my furniture was arranged and how I felt listening to it. Weird. Shocked. Disappointed. Mad. Happy. Groovy. All these things and then I forgot. I used to be on top of these things but moving on and having a life does this to you. I still feel crappy. I should have celebrated and smiled and looked back on how silly I was and jealous and didn't know anything. I still need to find a balance...I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT. I just feel BAD, though it's of no relevance to anyone but me. Tomorrow the sun will shine and all that, but right now I'm regretful. WHY DIDN'T I REALIZE?! It seems like such a long time ago, a lifetime, a different me.
All that waiting and downfall and I didn't even remember...I think it goes to show that I feel differently than I did then. Then I was obsessive, willing to do anything. Now I think I am coming to terms a bit with how I'm really feeling. Maybe it isn't meant to be center stage in my life and mind anymore. That it's okay not to buy into everything, you can still be a fan and miss a tour, miss a product, because who's looking? No one. No one at all. I just need to relax and not feel like I HAVE to do/buy/go to something because I DON'T. I can just take it easy. One minute left of THIS day.
...
And now it's over. I still feel bad. I will just listen and appreciate it now. Stepping away and juat LISTENING, really listening, I see how good it is. Then I was blinded. But it's okay now. It took me a year, but damn it, it's okay now.
"It's useless searching in the cupboards when everything you have is on your back."
Dear Yous:
I'm sorry. But it's okay now. And would it be if things became opposite again? My fucking god I hope so. I need it to...fuck, I do.
