No one is as they are in your mind. Ever. Why do I care so much? I want to sleep forever, crawl into a warm spot and just be for a while. Forget it all. But I am not that person, I don't forget. I'm not okay with being a coward and running away, so I will use all my force to keep myself rooted here. Because there is nothing else to do right now that could be better for me. Maybe I need this. I remember where I was this time last year...similar but so different.
Can't get through a movie no matter how hard I try. Friends banging down the door, ADD tendencies, everything...no peace. In my mind or outside. I don't feel like I'm on spring break, I'm in a go go go state of mind. I really wish you were the person I thought you were. Why? Why can't you just stand up? Humans are breakable, weak. They are not who you think they are. Something I believed in so much, maybe still do. The conflicting sides of myself-the wide eyed believer, young; the hardened individual on the fast track to adulthood. I don't understand this. Caught in the middle of myself. Nothing is at it was, or was it ever really like that? Perhaps it is not, or ever way, worth my time, effort, thoughts, money, curiosity, faith. But that other part of me still wants to see the show, have the experience, exchange words. And for what? For lies and fake smiles and absent minded shells of who they used to be? I just do not know. I say that a lot...too much. I need a break, time, anything. Just to be away. I need something to believe in, maybe that something is myself. Pull that efort inward and work on ME for a while (wasn't I saying this at this time last year?). If I put out as much energy and brain power to imporving myself and my life as I do on this world, I'd be much better off than I am now.
I regret ever knowing but I don't. It has taught me so much and taken away an equal amount. Everyone has these things, the things that make them grow up, define their transition from naivety to real world knowledge. Do I want it or no? Yes...No. Some refuse to grow up, the Peter Pans...ironic now. You're nothing like that Peter Pan you simply market to us now. Or are you past that? Or do I want the knowing, the things I crave with my curiosity. I always say "ignorance is bliss, but I refuse to be ignorant," so why am I so upset when I DO know? Another question, another hidden answer.
I don't know what to do, say, think, feel, anymore. I only know that we all exist and that this rock will keep spinning. Beyond that I am lost. I wish I could just be at peace with things, but those that are always at peace never DO anything, shake anyone/anything up, change things, move forward. And if that's the case I refuse to be at peace. Fuck my mind and heart, I'd rather really live than sit, stupid and complacent. I do not need peace. I need to pure adrenaline of living, no matter how much I get hurt.
I am simply riled up over things I have known but that have also continued to upset me for some time now. I believe a movie and gummy worms are in order to calm my speeding heart, or just to rot my teeth and give me a sugar rush.
I want to say goodbye to you more than anything in the world, but I relish what we have.
