...............

My days have started to feel empty again. It is partly sickness of the body and probably some sickness of the mind as well. I've come to really dislike when people romanticize a certain hell that some people have been through, me included. In this month where I'm supposed to be getting things back on track, I just feel tired and confused. Tired of routine and being sick and fighting with her and trying to rewrite the past when it plays over and over in my head. Confused by the way I act around him and the way I'm exactly the opposite of what I really am when he's near...or does he bring out who I really am? That would be worse. It's probably just a battle of wills now. I have to be strong and not give in; not do what he expects or wants. I don't want to do again what I did Saturday night. Because that's not me. I have always been the anti-slut girl. I have questioned that part of myself, tempted by the "you only live once, just be a crazy teenager" shit. But when it was really tested, and I gave in to that shit, it felt wrong. I wouldn't have done it if I could go back in time. I AM that anti-slut girl, and it doesn't feel bad at all to me. Fuck what they want. This is my Fuck You.

Cat Power just captures my mood. I avoid things. I don't think that will ever change. I miss my best friend. She understands, and tries so hard to when she really doesn't.

"What came first? The music or the misery? People worry about their kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands, of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"
— Opening monologue from High Fidelity
This is the question. My life is an up and down.
Right now I'm down.