It's been a bit. But no one reads this so it's not a big deal.
A lot has happened, but nothing's changed. I'm in Limbo.
And Limbo is interesting. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to really answer to.
I can wake up at 5 in the afternoon, sit on my ass, write as much as my little heart can take, sit on my drunk neighbor's porch and drink wine at 3 in the morning, etc etc. It's all very lovely.
I've lost some friends, any hope of academic success, and basically my reputation, but hey! I'm in Limbo, and everything's going to be ok, man. I've turned into a hippie. Didn't you know? Hippie is the new scene. I've come to realize my life is pretty ridiculous. I look back on the past 3 years and go, "...Just...like, really?" It's been a blur of tears and hospitals and fights and late nights and concerts and friends and inside jokes and the internet's general shittiness and overall randomness. But really, isn't that just life itself? Complete randomness.
I've kind of given up. I've just said, "Ok. I'm going to just drop all this shit, and see how it works out. It is all out of my hands, and I really do not care." It's liberating and terrifying. I regret almost everything I've done in the last year, but I can't do anything now but go forward and do my best at whatever it is I've got from now on. It's just so fascinating and hilarious and pathetic that everyone else thinks your life is the hot gossip when it's old news to you. Does that make sense? But at that point it's easy to sit back and say, "Ha ha. Pathetic." and sign off AIM, delete your myspace, delete FOBR from your history because really, who needs that shit? You know better. Life is not about post counts, or myspace gossip, or overrated, sold out bands' fodder. It's all so comical.
A part of me wishes I still believed in it all. Still believed in musicians and dreams and that people really were Gold, through and through. That dudes will be the same dudes you knew Back Then when they get back from a sold out arena tour, that money doesn't matter, that one girl can change the world. And maybe a part of me still does. But I know better, and it's sad. And now I'm just trying desperately to go back to a simpler time and chill. To relax and get back in my own head. I want to figure out who I am, with plenty of sunshine and fresh air and tea and pretty dresses. Not with shitty kids on Livejournal, and rockstars' girlfriends with holier-than-thou attitudes. I just want a good life and good health. And I can't do it in this state of mind, this place, with these people.
I really just want to figure it out. At least some of it. And so my Goal: to pretty much rid myself of the internet. To get rid of all the trash, the shittalking, the scene points. Which is no easy task when you've been a member of this world for so long. I'm just so...done. And it applies to "real life" as well: I want to get rid of the "trash" in my life. The shitty people, shitty words, shitty vibes. Essentially, I want to go to shows and not have to worry about if my hair is cool enough. It's all bullshit. But no more. I'm going to write a book and be with my friends and grow into the person I want to be. I'm a work in progress, but I'm trying.
The list of things in conversation, on my mind/events/randomness that's happened lately:
Limbo, Truth Boxes, crushes, meanies, books, Taco Bell, genius satire, hospital scare, ambulances, meds, social ruins, boys in bands, their playing-the-victim girlfriends, school, expulsion, "deep" emails, tough love, confessions, babies showing Britneys, live dvds, writing, fame, efame, infamy(all different, mind you), partying, cheating, lying, fun, recklessness, memories, vampire life, shitty horror movies, boredom, restlessness, new boyfriends, goals, hippies, starving one's self, changes, tours, concert buddies, haircuts/color changes, engagements, babies, selfishness, beautiful nasty, myspace, warm weather, thunderstorms, walks, mood swings, journals/blogs, lurking, Secret Order, diehards, "death before betrayal," the loss of everything stable and/or sane, and everything in between.
I bid thee ado.
