The day is over already and I'm just now able to write about it. A year ago today I saw PATD, the big one: the M&G, the encounter, all of it. I made a fool of myself, and I wish I could, or even just choose, to see the great parts of the day. And really, its not like they remember the awkward shy weird brunette fat maybe trying too hard to be cool but fails girl because GUESS WHAT-there are thousands of them! I'm not special! (Obviously, because I didn't get a famous bus call from Zack. Ha). But if I could relive that day, and the last year of my life that followed, I would in a heartbeat. I realized today: what have I been DOING with my life in the last year? Oh right, fucking it up as much as possible! This is my life. And that year is gone. Why didn't I change like I promised myself I would? Why did I keep to these habits and fantasies and desires? Still in this same rut? Actually meeting them changed nothing. It was too surreal. Its almost too embarrassing and painful. Even now I don't think I'd be cool and collected, even with all the shit in my head. They still get to me. I wish these memories didn't make me sad. I wish I could let go.

All day I've been thinking about how I wanted the anniversary to be "perfect." To remember. Hannah was obviously not interested. Why do these things matter so much more to me than other people? But I didn't bring it up at all really. Only the day before to my mom. I tried. I've learned this about my passions: no one cares. I'm just disappointed in myself. I want to start over. I've been wanting to sit down, away, and take stock. Colorado is perfect for that but I'm afraid the time is now. Do I really care about this anymore or am I just simply addicted? Am I passionate about this scene, cause (lack thereof), music? Or am I "wanting" the tickets on autopilot? Is this still in my heart?

I don't know. "We're only liars, but we're the best." Perfect timing.

Maybe I need to take a break. To take down the posters, delete the websites (already kinda did that today), push it all away. To consider if my heart is still in this, not just itching for the Twitter updates when its all gone. I was thinking about the actual day and anniversary all day, but I never stopped to talk or write or think about it. Only that I needed a break and what I did to my life. I did my normal "a YEAR ago this moment, I was at the m and g, blahblah." I just felt disconnected. Too busy, maybe avoidant. But I WANTED to dwell. I just didn't. Life got in the way. With talking and smoking and drinks and dying hair. Which is just the kitschy "Wasted" way I wanted it to wrap up. But why do I feel neglectful? I'm just thinking in circles. As usual.

Maybe I just need to get wrapped up in life and not worry. Take time to think and get into it. Right now I am tired. And I guess disappointed that the anniversary of such a big day to me wasn't dramatic or eventful. And that's what I wanted, a day to come where this didn't get in my head. Where I was busy. But now its here.., it just was and the day does and will always sit in my mind and fester until I address it. But right now is One Tree Hill and sleep.

Goodnight boys...if you could hear me.