I want to be a better person. I want to let things go and live my life. I want to wake up in the morning without yesterday on my shoulders. I want to inspire people and make a difference--something no one expects me to do. I don't want to be defined as selfish. Moody, failure, fat, lazy, bitchy, self-involved, hypocritical, controlling. I want peace. Within myself and in our world. I want those with no hope or dreams to be able to look at me and say "Well damn it, if she can do it, so can I." I want to rise above my past, nightmares, hospitals, medication, uncaring doctors, frustration, tears, mood swings, incidents, wasted years and years.
I will wear the reminders on my heart every day of what I DON'T want to be--what I was for so long. I want to roll things off my back that don't pertain to me but that send me on an emotional rollercoaster. I know what I need to do and what I need to avoid. What things are toxic for me and what I can handle with no problem. It will be hard. There is no sweet without the sour. It will be almost impossible to love something so much and not come across the bad things. It seems anymore there is no balance. A year from now (a month, two, six?) will I be a different person? Better in any way?
Will I be comfortable in my skin? Not awkward, shy, or self conscious? I don't know. Will I establish attainable goals, dreams, things to work for? I hope so. Will I live my my youth to the fullest? Fuck yeah, I'll try. Will I know that every bad day has an equally amazing one around the bend? I'll try to keep it in mind. Will I be compassionate, empathetic, helpful, caring to others, even those who may not deserve it? It will be hard, but it is possible. Will I focus on things that really matter--friends, family, school, working, knowledge, enlightenment, words, music(the good side of it), my health? Maybe the hardest of all.
I am going to take on projects. Do little things for myself. Learn when to slow down, and when to get up and going again. Smile every day. Keep things, emotional and physical, clean. Not take things so seriously. Do things that come to my mind when they happen and not hesitate. Not apologize for who I am. I am going to do something useful every day. And when I think I use "I" too much, remember that we must help and improve ourselves so that we can help others.
I am going to be me. And along the way figure out who that is.
