Things I'm fond of:
Dr. Pepper
My friends
My school
Naps
Texting
Piercings
Hair dying/styling
National holidays that give me 5 days off
I've been easily skating through life. It partly worries me that I'm not really DOING anything, have no real cause or point. But I figure, I've been through--or PUT myself through--some really hard things and I deserve to just hang out for now. 2008 has been a crazy year, man. It's all gone by so fast.
Anniversaries. It's getting harder for me to keep up as this has become my life. Shows. Can't get enough. It's gotten harder with feeling like you're at a fashion show instead of a rock show. Frustrating. Many things feel fake and forced, especially after you've read up about it on fbrt or fueled by gossip. It ruins it. The shine and sparkle and illusion of YOUR show being completely special is gone. "Go back to the start." But I don't know if I would go back to three years ago. Right here is just fine. Moving forward for a change.
Two years ago today I saw PATD in Iowa. Three hour drive and it was so worth it. I'm glad we did it. That show really did change my life. At that point I had known I'd wanted to be a musician for quite a while, but the show was my epiphany moment. I remember fucking perfectly the freezing cold walk back to the car, thinking "I want to do that." Perfectly. Waiting three hours in a blizzard, meeting some really cool people that helped me out and made me feel welcome, my first arena concert ever. It was amazing. And Jack's Mannequin! Moved me to chills and tears. It was beautiful. I had almost forgotten the magnitude of that day. It meant and still means a lot to me...even though things have happened and people change. "Things have changed for meeeee."
Ignorance is bliss. Lesson learned. But I refuse to be ignorant. I'd rather be hurt and come out stronger than be in a self imposed lala land in my head. All in all it was wonderful. Seeing Panic when we drove up--couldn't miss the bright colored shirts, even from about 10 stories up, was fun. Thrilling. My first encounter. Haha. My favorite color dark blue is approaching...one of my favorite times of day. There is no shame in moving forward. I guess if the people in question don't even remember where they were, there's no need to fixate on it too much. It's kind of a slap in the face that he's with her on my day. So ironic since my whole ignorance is bliss things goes back to that...let's not go there. It's ok to reflect a bit and go "ok...next." Letting go. It's easier now. Many things are. God...three years of my life. No regrets.
I wouldn't change it for the world...ok maybe some things. But these kids are pure fucking gold...I hope. We'll see. If their lives happen to collide with mine, ok, but until then it's not my problem, man. I'm tempted to put "Believers never die," but it feels fake. I don't know anymore. I'm not certain of anything, really, only that I want to keep going, moving, seeing, doing, laughing, loving, dancing, writing, living.
