I feel strange in my own skin. I want to do something but don't want to enough to actually do it. So it's a cycle of high expectations and self loathing. Sometimes I want to take everything back, rewind, apologize. But then I just get angry. Being angry is better than admitting you might be somewhat wrong or that you're hurting. Easier.don't know what I'd say, or what I could say. It kind of one of my patterns. Fight=silence=regret=lonliness=apologizing when I did nothing wrong=everything being fine...for now=another blow up=repeat. I thought I was the stubborn one.
But at this point...what would it be worth? What could I possibly say that wouldn't just open up drama? I don't want to be known as the girl who just stirs the shit up. Because that's not me at all. I get it, people change, move on, lose some friends, get new ones-it's life. It's just hard for a person like me; I need a constant in my life. Constant people who I can depend on. I become kind of attached. I can't help it. I really need advice, but I can't go to anyone without a "But why would you want to talk to THEM anyway?" Le sigh.
I hate birthday dinners and awkward silences. Running on no sleep and not having any adventures to show for it. Being in a completely different planet than your friends; feeling like they're leaving you behind. Constant masochistic urges. Being too curious for my own good. Being indecisive. Lying. The good memories that you realize you're supposed to look back on with bitterness now, but you really don't want to. Regret. Laziness. I hate it; all of it.
